Unexpected News

One December morning while getting ready for work, my husband of only three months brought up excitedly “I think your boobs got bigger!” While his naive excitement was endearing, I quickly addressed his observation with what I thought was a well-known fact, “Jack, that doesn’t just happen.” 

The only scenario that I could think of in which my breasts would suddenly swell was pregnancy. While it was possible that I was pregnant, it was very unlikely and definitely not part of the plan for our first year of marriage. I tried to put the thought aside, but one quick look in the mirror confirmed exactly what my husband had noticed a moment earlier; my bra was fitting a little tighter than it had been just a week before. 

That day at work was a blur. My mind continued to swirl with the possibility of having a child and the drastic changes that would ensue. It wasn’t confirmed that I was carrying, but I Googled signs of pregnancy between meetings. With each article I could feel the anxiety mounting. Somewhere deep down, I knew I was pregnant. 

Naturally, I wanted an answer as soon as possible. That night, we went out and bought a pregnancy test from the local Stop & Shop grocery store. Even that small decision felt impossible. I never knew there were so many options! The isle was lined with boxes all claiming to be more accurate and diagnose sooner than leading competitors. Since my husband is cost-conscious, we just went with the cheapest one.

Initially, my test came back negative, but as the next few days went on, I felt more and more convinced that I was expecting. 

Two Pink Lines and a Million Questions

Christmas came and went, as did the date of my expected period. I looked at my husband Jack and said, “I think we need to check one more time.” I re-read all the instructions just to make sure and peed on the stick. We both sat in our tiny six by six foot bathroom and waited. A second line started to appear, bold, pink and without a doubt pregnant. We actually started laughing. It wasn’t a humorous laughter but a hysterical laughter of unbelief. 

We had planned on having kids but not for a few years. We were newlyweds living in a costly one-bedroom apartment and about to start new, highly demanding jobs that week. Having a baby was totally unexpected. 

I acknowledge that I was in one of the most supportive situations for an unplanned pregnancy, but it didn’t change the roller coaster of emotions that followed those two pink lines: 

·       Would my new supervisor feel deceived? She had been very clear about how many hours she had to work to fill the current void and how desperate she was for additional help.

·       How would maternity leave work if I just started at the company? Could we afford living on one income? 

·       Would we have to move out of our apartment? 

Without any answers to bail the flood of questions pouring over me, it was easy to feel like I was drowning. And I knew the questions would only continue to accumulate over the next nine months. 

The only thing I wanted to do was call my parents. I didn’t really feel excited. I felt scared, defeated and even irresponsible. I felt like I was letting people down—people I didn’t even know yet. 

We waited until my mom, dad and brother were on the phone and we just blurted it out. “I’m pregnant.” They couldn’t see my face. I had tears in my eyes but maybe they could hear my emotion? My mom was silent, shocked. My brother seemed excited but as usual didn’t say much. Then my dad took a second to collect his words and said “Cassie, I’m smiling ear to ear!” 

That changed everything. 

Talk to Someone Who Will Listen

The only thing that started to relieve the initial anxiety of my pregnancy was sharing with other people in my life. 

As we started to share the news with family and close friends, we felt so relieved. Even though not all questions were resolved, I quickly realized the emotional benefit of sharing.

If you need a listening ear, Pregnancy Support Center of Carroll County (PSC) offers free services to help you through the uncertainty. Confidential appointments are available with trained client advocates as well as medical staff. Any significant life change can be weighty to bear alone. Talking to PSC can help. You can make an appointment by clicking here, calling 410-871-4673, or simply walking in.

You don’t have to do this alone. PSC is here to help.

Cassie McCracken

Unexpectant Mother, Experiencing Unexpected Joy